On your 6 year anniversary in Paris, 5 months before your wedding day and 6 days before your surgery, is pretty much the worst time to find out that your Fiancé has been living a double life and you alone are not enough.
I’m not going to go into details of what he did to me, not because I’m protecting him or because he deserves it, but because I have more respect for myself than that. So let’s just say that I am a new fully fledged single lady, ready for the next chapter of my life.
It was confirmed last Friday that I do have Endometriosis as expected, but my consultant was pleased to announced it had only spread to my bladder which he has removed (…no not my bladder the Endometrial tissue, calm down!!) According to my consultant I should be very happy and reassured that they have caught it early enough so it won’t affect my fertility. Sharing this news alone was obviously a kick in the teeth when things were still so raw, but if I am being completely honest, had I have stayed in my long-term relationship, I would have ended up having children much earlier than I would have wanted. I’m only 24 years old and I haven’t seen the world yet! There are so many places I want to see, things I want to do and experiences I want to have and now I can. It’s like I’ve been given a new lease of life! I don’t have to answer to anyone and I can be as selfish as I want to be. Isn’t that what your 20s is all about?
I have been tied down since I was 18 years old and I have no idea who I am anymore. When you’ve been in a long-term relationship its easy to slip into the same routine, day in day out, ‘you’ soon becomes ‘we’ until you stop doing what you want to do for yourself and start compromising. Since when did we start accepting that it was okay to put our ambitions and dreams on hold for another person?
I have felt the healthiest I have been in years during these last 2 weeks. I can’t explain it, I just feel different. Considering the dramatic turn of life events, I had fully expected my Lupus to flare but it hasn’t and I feel great! It’s almost like a weight has been lifted and I can breathe again. I got stuck in such a bad cycle of being made to feel like I was too unwell to look after myself, but this time alone has shown me that I am more than capable and I will never let myself depend on another person unnecessarily again! I have been SO proud of myself these last two weeks, getting a flight home from Paris alone, early hours of the morning with no ticket or sense of direction… but I did it! I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself enough credit for and I’m really excited for what comes next with my new found independence and resilience.
Until recently I never thought I had taken my friends or family for granted, but to see how much support and love I’ve been surrounded by has given me the wake up call I needed. I haven’t spent a single day alone, the kindness and care has been overwhelming. You don’t realise how many people love you until something like this happens and I vow to myself to prioritise my friends and family so much more in the future, because YOU are the people that make me happy and make me feel good about myself.
I’ve laughed more this week than I can remember having done so in years and I mean proper belly laughing. I feel changed and I like this new me much more than the old me. Carefree, fun, adventurous, passionate and independent. Now I look forward to discovering who I am and I am learning more about myself with every passing day. I LOVE the fact that my plans only go as far as my next night out. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, where I’m going or who with but what I do know is that there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.
I might have lost what I thought was a friend, my home, my belongings and routine, but what I found was MY life and I will be damned if I don’t start living and breathing it!
Stay tuned… I’m sure there will be many laugh out loud moments to come as a new singleton….xoxox